It's Enough

“Deni to pharmacy!!”

I get there and one of my guys is so drunk, he’s not making any sense and he’s getting hostile.

I sigh. I start to pray. I escort him out.

He falls onto the grass and he’s drooling and has something smeared all over his face. I look at him and I start to tear up. Why? Why can’t he see himself the way God does.

“Deni to the front desk.”

I get there and she’s shaking, she’s filthy and she begins to scream. I escort her to my office. She said she shot up crystal meth again yesterday and if she doesn’t get help, she’s gonna cut her wrists.

I pray, Father meet me here.

She has burned every bridge more than once. I try calling her sister and as soon as I say her name, her sister hangs up on me. I load her up in the van and take her to the crisis center for an evaluation.

“Deni to the parking lot.”

Her eye is black again and her jaw is wired shut. We walk to my office. He said he was sorry. He said he wouldn’t get drunk again. He gave her some chocolate. She believed him again. She thinks she deserves it and he’s the best she can do.

I sink in my chair and start to pray.

My phone rings.

She tells me her landlord is threatening eviction. She’s a Mom of 5 kids. She just had surgery and now her youngest son has pneumonia and she’s by his bedside in the hospital. She’s a cook and when she doesn’t work she doesn’t get paid. She is crying and she is exhausted.

I close my eyes and start to pray.

My phone vibrates. It’s a text.

She’s the primary caregiver for her Dad. His social security check got lost in the mail. Now they’re two months behind in rent. The water is shut off. Her special needs child just bit a kid at school so they suspended him. She can’t go to work because she can’t leave her son with her Dad because her Dad doesn’t remember him. She’s begging for help.

I catch my breath and begin to pray.  What am I doing wrong? Why aren’t these people getting better? No one ever listens to me. There are so many. Does anything I do really matter? I feel so alone sometimes. Is this really where You want me Father?

“Deni to the nurse’s station.”

 I get close to the exam room and I hear her. She’s yelling, crying, cursing. I open the door and she starts in on me.  I know her. We’ve talked before.

She points at me, “No, no, no. I’m never getting better. I can’t do anything I used to. The doctors wants to send me for tests but no, no, no….” She sobs and catches her breath and starts in again.

“I sit all day and do nothing. My hand is dead. My life is useless. I can’t, I won’t do this anymore. You all lie…nothing, NOTHING is getting better…I hate this, I hate all of you…”

She is talking about moving to Oregon so she can get a doctor to, “Really help me…he’ll kill me, no questions asked.” She gets up to walk out more than once.  The last time she gets up, I pick up her purse and ask her if I can walk with her. She pulls away as I try to help, she continues crying and cursing and resisting…

She has a rollator and getting up was difficult, she almost lost her balance. She said her husband is in the lobby and we’ll walk right by my office.  She just wants out of here.

She talks about the pain and the loneliness. She talks about how she feels God has abandoned her. She wants to know why He didn’t take her after her stroke. She said He’s mean for making her stay on earth in the condition she’s in. She says her home is like a torture chamber. All of the things she’s made and all of the things left unfinished are all over her house. “I can’t stand to see what I can’t do anymore.”

We get to my office; I open the door and guide her in. She sits and continues venting, and crying and suffering…I listen.

After an hour, she starts to slow down. She is getting tired and she looks at me. I smile. I ask her to tell me one good thing that has happened in the past week. She received a thank you card. Her face brightens just a bit.

She reminds me of all the things she has made and given away. She made baby booties for a little boy and he is now 16 years old. She said she was in a store and the Mom saw her and came over to introduce her son. “I couldn’t believe it! He was so handsome and do you know, he still has those booties?? After all these years, they kept something I made.” She became tearful and thankful. She was softening, she doesn’t want to be so angry.

She said she can use her left hand after she “warms it up,” and she can still make a few things. She has to rest more than she used to. I tell her about Isaiah 58, In His service and tell her we’ve adopted some families in an apartment complex for Christmas. I ask her if she would be willing to make something to give them.

Oh, my gosh, she smiled! She wants to try to make stocking caps. I ask her to make a list of what she needs and we will provide. Her mind is flooded with memories. She has a spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe she can make something even now that can make a lasting memory for someone less fortunate than her.

Maybe God hasn’t abandoned her after all. I ask if I can pray for her. She reaches for my hand and bows her head… 

I walk her and her husband out and I’m paged again…

It’s enough, that’s all I need to be reminded that I am exactly where God wants me. My income, home, car, life, ministry they are His.  I pray to stay out of His way. I pray to see transformed lives; not only those who meet Him for the first time, I love to see seasoned Christians serve Him with reckless abandon! The heavens sing when the prodigal son returns. How cool is it that He wants to use someone like me? I know we are planting seeds. I also know that I won’t see the harvest of all of these seeds, but that’s okay.  Yet, I know I still have so much to learn…

Thank you for walking this walk with me.

In 1 John 2:6 it says, “Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.”  I don’t know what that looks like each morning I get out of bed. I just know each day I pray for the courage to walk as Jesus did – just for today.  I long to be a tiny part of whatever He is doing.

“Jesus was continually saying to those around Him, “Don’t be afraid.” He understood that in this world no one is safe.  We all take risks every day – the issue is, what risks are we willing to take. Following Jesus is risky. He told His disciples in Matthew 10, “If you come after Me, nothing you own is safe, including you.”  When we follow the rule-violating, religion-threatening, category-breaking Jesus, our lives are always in jeopardy.

“The Christian life is more than finding Jesus – it is following Jesus. Following, it turns out, is not a one-time, spectacular act of faith, but a one-day-at-a-time, ordinary, unspectacular following: a daily act of fearlessness that takes us through the most frightening and rugged terrain to a place of peace, joy and abandon.

“Those who follow Christ with abandon are quietly fearless. They face the most difficult circumstances with determination and constancy regardless of whether they receive recognition or encouragement.

“What is it you and I are afraid to abandon? Our comfort? Our schedules? Our careers? Our money? Our possessions? Our security? Our theology? Our need for certainty? Our fear of making a mistake? Our parents’ expectations?

“If only the rich young ruler had abandoned his riches, he could have discovered the richness of following Jesus.

“If only the Pharisees could have abandoned their rules, they could have spent every day basking in the love of the Rule Maker.

“If only Pilate could have abandoned his power, he would have found the real power of brokenness and humility.

“So what do you say? Let’s become like children again, break away from the rule keepers, and make a run for Jesus.”  From the book Dangerous Wonder: The adventure of Childlike Faith by Michael Yaconelli

In His service, d