National Social Work Month - Being Present

Empathy.

She stutters when she gets upset. She wanted to tell me why she was so upset but she was struggling to calm down. She took some breaths. I gave her some water. Reminded her we were not in a hurry and to take her time. She closed her eyes. When she opened her eyes she was crying.  She loves to knit. She had almost finished a blanket when her sister came to visit with her dog. The dog destroyed the blanket. She was crushed. Her sister said nothing. No, `too bad’. No, `I’m sorry’. Not even a `bad dog.’ Her sister scooped up her dog and left. She sat there feeling 45 years of hurt emotions all at once. She needed to get it out. She didn’t need me to fix it. She just needed me to be present with her. 

Unbearable pain.

One child died from cancer. One died from a car wreck. One had a heart attack. One died when he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. She’s a mother with no one left to mother. She hurts so much she can’t breathe. She is distracted. She feels guilty. She has regrets. She’s begging God to take the pain away. She dissolves into sobs in my arms.

Whatever it takes.

The five year old grabs my hand and tells me he’s hungry. He lives with his Mom and his Dad, when Dad’s not in jail. They live in an apartment complex filled with bed bugs, shootings, broken toilets and so far away from basic needs they have to get groceries at a convenience store. Their food stamps are gone in just a couple of visits. But, he’s hungry and we don’t have any funds. I tell him he won’t go to bed hungry tonite. I go home and clean out my freezer and pantry and deliver them.

Bulls eye.

He’s really mad. He’s messed up. He won’t remember tomorrow what a jerk he’s being today. I know that. But, everyone standing around doesn’t.  I talk in a calm and level voice. My goal is to move him away from the person he’s so angry with. However, she’s egging him on, which is not helping. She’s messed up too. After awhile he calms down. The crowd disperses, except her. She takes a big gulp of vodka and leans forward and spits. But, she misses him and hits me in the face. Her expression confirms her mistake and she turns to go quickly in the opposite direction.  My eyes are burning and he is laughing, “So this is how I get you to have a drink with me?”

Driving by.

I was supposed to go to a meeting but I cancelled. I was driving by early in the morning and saw two of my homeless guys. I just bought breakfast which I rarely do. It was really cold outside. Neither one of them were wearing a coat.  I got out and opened my trunk. Two coats, two pairs of socks and two loaded backpacks with gloves, blankets, snacks and stocking caps. I gave them my breakfast and coffee and reminded them they need to share. They gave me toothless smiles and bear hugs. It was the last time I saw Jimmy. So thankful I didn’t drive by, but stopped.

Crisis.

He called me at 11:30pm. He’s ready to kill himself. I go to his apartment and we sit. Eventually he agrees he needs help. I load him into the car and we go to the ER. They call him back and he asks me to go with him. I do. He’s talking mostly about his ex-wife and his son. He misses them. He doesn’t understand why he needs to take his psych meds forever. Why can’t he get better without them? He doesn’t have insurance so at 4am they release him to the streets.  He has no family or support system. The crisis has subsided, this time, for now. But, what about next time…

The Double Whammy.

She was crying, a LOT. But, they handed her to me anyway. I took off my pens and cuddled her on my shoulder. I was going to sing, but that would be bad. I bounced. I walked. I patted. I used my calming voice. She kept crying. Then she stopped. I heard this deep gurgle and then the gates opened wide. She puked all down my back and filled her diaper. I looked at her face. She was smiling.

Advocate.

He was in prison almost 30 years for murder. He cried the first time we met. He was so scared he didn’t know where to begin. He was overwhelmed by his new life. I helped him get a birth certificate and social security card. We got some fines paid off. He got his driver’s license. We got him a flip phone to start. I was a job reference for him. That was almost 3 years ago. Today he’s got a great job, an apartment, new dentures and a girlfriend. Oh and a smart phone.

Home visit.

She could see only shadows. Her cataracts were eating away her vision. I went over to read her mail to her, pay her bills and take her grocery shopping. She waited for almost two years for “the system” to approve her for eye surgery since she doesn’t have insurance. She has diabetes so no surgery until she got her diabetes under control. I sent her to a doctor friend of mine. Her health improved and she went in for surgery. First the left eye and then the right. The last time I saw her she could see my face and told me I don’t look like I sound.  I got a text from her tonite, “Look outside the sunset is amazing!” To God be the glory!

Listening.

She can’t quit crying. Her blood pressure is up. She needs to go to school to pick up her grandson, but she just needs to let it out. She tells me about her failed marriages, her daughter who is a drug addict and sucking her dry; the affairs, the gambling and she is worried she stinks because she hasn’t showered in 3 days, “They cut off the water.”  She took her car in for repairs and the estimate and total amount due weren’t even close. “So, I guess he’ll keep my car.” After 45 minutes, she wasn’t perspiring anymore and her cheeks weren’t bright red. She was much calmer. “You asked me if there was something I could be thankful for today. You. It’s you. I needed someone to listen and you did. Thank you.”

When you give to Isaiah 58, In His service you touch many lives in our community. You won’t hear about it on the TV or read about it in the paper. But, quietly, faithfully, with perseverance and thankfulness Isaiah 58, In His service loves on the underdogs that are missed, forgotten, overlooked, mistreated and hurting unimaginable hurts.

March is National Social Work month. I am a Social Worker; licensed, degreed and certified.  I bear witness that God can change lives. I am hopeful and will not give up. I love God’s calling on my life! I am a child of God and am so thankful to serve a compassionate and loving God!!

Know that you are prayed for.  Thank you!

In His service,

deni A. fholer, BSW, MSW, LMSW, CCFP

president / executive director

Isaiah 58, In His service, Inc.